):

my hair is kind of hard to work with /:

I've made my decision

to get over you. Or at least try. There's no guarantee that I won't have a relapse, but this is my choice. I can't stand wondering & feeling bad about things that might or might not be true. It just isn't worth it right now. I could just tell you straight up that I like you but I just can't. I don't know why. Maybe cause I know what you'll say or I'm scared of what you'll say. I've actually gone to the point of trying to figure out what's wrong with ME & continuously put myself down. If there's anything YOU'LL do something , but I know there isn't so I'm going to stop trying to make it happen myself.





-on my tumblr.

i copied this from tumblr.

"I’m avoiding you because when I look at you, I remember how I use to get butterflies when you smile and when you would walk towards me my heart would race so fast. I’m healing, I think of you less each day but that’s because I’m avoiding you, but once I see you again, I know its going to hit me and I’m going to have to go back to step one"

D:

just cause!

today was eh ish
copied this survey from meespaceee.
i dont think anyone reads this, well if you want to then you might find something interesting out! ... or not (x

Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
my moms seen me.
Do you love the last boy/girl you were talking to?
boy-i like him
girl-my younger sister, so i do love her HAAHA.
Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
n/a
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
eating
Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
my friend
Last restaurant you went to?
dim sum!
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
my mom
actually talked-talked to , the faggot named tyler (x
Did you have an exciting last weekend?
yes, vegas fam bam :D
Have you ever crawled through a window?
i think...im too fat for thaat
What do you spend most of your money on?
clothes
Where were you at 1AM sunday morning?
in my bed.
Ever kissed someone over 30?
ew.
Is there a secret you've never told your parents?
yeah.
Do you like yourself?
kinda not really.
Have you ever dyed your hair?
one too many times
Are you wearing a necklace?
usually always, unless i forget
Who is someone you wish you could fix things with?
naaah, if anything needs fixing, THEY should come to ME and fix it, cause ive tried, i really have.
Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again?
sadies?
HAHA, cause i wasnt really in the best mood when i went.
Are you an emotional person?
sometimes my emotions can get the best of me.
What's something that can always make you feel better?
music, even tho it can make you feel worse sometimes.
Did your parents spoil you as a child?
i dont think so.
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?
n/a
How's your heart lately?
my stubborn head controls my heart /:
Are you a cuddler?
(:
Will this weekend be a good one?
probably .
What do you want right now?
to go & say 'i like you'
Who can always cheer you up?
my bfcs/other half, tasha
Have you ever gone nude/streaked in public?
hahha nah.
Who hugged you last?
rev
Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
yes.
Are you a kissable person?
i dont know .. :O
Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
probably, but i honestly dont care HA.
What is your relationship status?
single.
Who was the last person to come to your house?
cousin
Look behind you, what do you see?
a vase thing
How many rooms does your house have?
five
Have you ever worked in a food place?
i helped! not old enough to work.
What would you name your future daughter?
natayanna HAHHAA, jk well maybe. idk.
Who and where was the last concert you went to?
i dont remember.
Any summer plans for 2010?
summer school ):
What did you eat for lunch today?
frozen yogurt!
Whats on your schedule for tomorrow?
school.
The last song you heard?
airplanes
What do you think of love?
confusing but worth it.
When is the last time you went to a party?
i dont remember.
When is the next time you'll hit up a club?
im not old enough (x
Do you still talk to any of your ex's?
n/a
If you had to eat 1 thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
sandwiches HAHA, cause they come in a variety (x
Name 1 thing good about Myspace?
able to keep in touch with people.
Does anyone know your Myspace password?
yes
Have you dated anyone on your top 4?
nope , no homo!
Has your number 2 on your friends ever made you cry?
yes, shes my older sister HAHA, she just does thing like that
How do you feel about abortions?
horrible /: but it depends on the situation.
Do you eat junk food everyday?
yes.
Where did you last drive to?
wal-mart!
Describe your bestfriend?
the BEST.
Who was the last person to touch you?
i kissed my mom gooodbye when she left for work :D yes, i still do that.
How did you and your number 1 become friends?
we're cousins, at some point we just became friends HAHA.
How late did you stay up last night and why?
12? idk, i usually dont sleep til 12.
What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
poonam?! bff status !
Do you like someone?
yes
Have you ever been hit by the opposite sex?
playing around yeah.
Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an S?
nope
How's your life lately?
ohkayy.
Do you know anyone that is currently locked up?
nope
Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
no
What do you think about the current gas prices?
nothing.
Would you do a sex tape with you in it for 3 million dollars?
probably..not HA.
Have you ever been so drunk that you blacked out?
naah
Do you think that you’re a good person?
im a good person, i just have bad intentions HAHA.
Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
naah.
Are you happier single or in a relationship?
im whatevv, if i were in the relationship i want, then id probably be happy.
Have you ever flirted with a friends crush?
HAHAHAHA, yes i have.
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
never
Ever ordered from an infomercial?
nope
Do you believe in love at first sight?
naah.
Have you ever requested a song on the radio?
nope
Do you hate the last girl you were talking to?
my mom? i love her (:
When is the last time you took a nap?
yesterday
Who was the last person to text you?
poonam
To send you a myspace message?
i dont remember.
To send a friend request?
dont remember.
Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
my own.
Have you kissed anyone in the last week?
nope
Do you miss anyone?
yes.
What does your 8th text message say and who was it from?
my phone doesnt put messages in order like that.
What are you listening to?
my ipod. moving on- taio cruz
Is there one place you'd like to visit?
thailand again!
Have you held hands with anyone today?
nope
Do you like winter time?
yes i do.
Do you own uggs?
nope
Do you regret anything?
i try not to regret.
What are you excited about?
the weekend to come!
Plans for today?
doing all my hw.
Seven days from now will you be in a relationship?
probably not.
How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over?
uhm idk if i ever have.
Where is your number one person on your friends list?
at fs going to an interview! :D
Do you want to dance?
sometimes.
Who do you not get along with?
annoying people, i mean im annoying, but not THAT annoying.
Last movie you watched?
i dont remember
What do you notice first about a guy?
smile/hair
Something interesting happen lately?
not really.
Where is the person you like right now?
probably at home.
What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
in life strategies!
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
eating or doing this survey .
When was the last time you talked to your most recent ex?
n/a
Have you ever been around someone who was high?
yes
Do you like where you live?
its alright.
Last thing you purchased?
frozen yogurt.
Have you kissed your number one on your top?
no homo!

Honestly,

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having to be the first one to IM/call/text/make plans with you guys. Yeah I sincerely miss you, but apparently you don't miss me enough to do something. I tried, I always had. I planned things, you just either show or don't. Obviously you guys have more important things to do , so have fun staying isolated from me at your damn schools.

/:

I wish I could see myself as pretty, even though its not true.

It's complicated

It really is. You need to see it & be there to understand it. I know I can't make him like me just like that, but I don't think you should say I didn't try. I mean it's not trying to my best potential but still. You have to understand what's going on, the situation, how it is and him. & yeah I always let my emotions get the best of me, I'm not gonna lie & i let my short temper take over. It's harder then you think , plus me being scared doesn't help the situation. There's always that one thing I CAN do but don't want to cause I'm too scared. You know why I'm scared? Cause I'm scared of rejection, which I'm sure is 100% what will happen. I could just tell him to get it out there but eh. I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to do it. I'm literally trapping myself in this circle. I'm attached and I don't even have a legit reason as to why I am. Why ? Well I just don't know.

confused

do you remember. down. bad romance. rain. you belong with me. miley cyrus. old jams. i lose it. bi polar. ups and downs. confused. relapses. circles. ships. smiles. cuteness. work. impress.

repeat it, drown in it, then think about it.

i cant do it anymore i really cant. what do i do. what can i do. nothing. absolutely nothing. these ups and downs. it just gets worse doesnt it. all my thoughts. all day everyday. dreams too.

this blog might not make sense to you. but it sure means a lot.

It's been a while

I haven't written on this in a long time! Sorry, I've been busy & if I haven't been picking up calls if it's at a non-convienent time. I'm pobably doing something. Kay well anyways, the only person I've talked to lately is Tyler, &that's cause he's my bff(: and listens to'eme often. He's also a faggot HAHA. He went to sleep today tho /: after texting my sister HAHA. I hope your concert went well ! Anyways yeah. Last week I was a bitch, not gonna lie. But its common for puckdees' to get mad REALLY EASILY & FAST, so I skipped the 'whatev' part and was just straight up mean . I feel bad this week, but whatevvv. I'm pretty sure that person didn't notice either. I'm stuck on this boat & I need to abandon ship but if I do, my heart will purposely become heavier & cause me to drown . It's like suicide[this isn't literal, don't think I have a problem or anything HAHA] so yeah. I don't know what to do, but then again, there's nothing to do. Welcome back to relapseland ! Hmm everythings complicated. ANYWAYS recap, i was mean last week ,Pho then went to the park with my sisters,Tasha,Tyler & saw sisters friends& friends there. Got icecream. Eat. Mall. Idk I actually don't remember HAHA. Kay time to sleep, well try anyways (:

bye !